will be away 4/25-5/9

no blog for the next two weeks

The Passion of the Christ

I watched The Passion of the Christ again yesterday. Haha, for the fourth time. But this time was different. I watched it as if everything Jesus suffered was for me and me alone. It was quite the experience, as I'm sure you might imagine. Because I watched it on my laptop with my headphones on, it was very up close and personal. Extreme. As "Jesus" looked into the camera, He was looking at me, into my eyes. It was something. I had to pause the video several times because I had to take a little "have a good bawl" time out. And to reflect a little bit on what I had just seen and heard. And sometimes even to rewind so I could really absorb it.

This morning I've been thinking about Christ's temptation and what that was all about.

At the last supper, as the cup was passed from person to person and they entered into covenant with Him and what He was about to do, Christ Jesus began to take unto Himself the sin of the world. And with that came the temptation to not trust His Father, which leads to sin (being outside His will). We see it in glaring stark reality in the Garden... three times our Lord petitioned His Father to take the cup from Him. IF THERE BE ANY OTHER WAY! What agony. I can't even begin to have the slightest clue what that was like.

But what I want to talk about is how we can understand OUR temptation better by understanding Jesus'.

We know the scripture says that when we cry out to God in our temptation, He is faithful to provide a way of escape and deliver us from that temptation.

I used to think that if I would just have the presence of mind stop and strain myself to get beyond where I was right then and there, and connect with Him in some way so that He could give me a scripture to quote or something like that, that I'd escape my temptation. But I'm thinking that being delivered from temptation this has NOTHING to do with DOING. At least with ME doing. It's about BEING. There is a BEING problem... which is why I'm feeling tempted. And that's what needs to be addressed.

Something INSIDE OF ME is causing me to weaken, which is what being tempted is all about. And it seems that the reason we weaken is because we are NOT FILLED WITH HOLY SPIRIT. Isn't that what happened to Jesus in the Garden? As He began to take sin unto Himself, the Spirit HAD to begin to depart, right? Isn't that the way it works for us? I think it had to be the same for Him. Because it's the Holy Spirit that enables us to DO ANYTHING.

Well, seeing that not being filled with the Holy Spirit is the fundamental cause for the temptation to sin EFFECT, it seems the bottom line would simply be that we need more of Holy Spirit!

THAT is the WAY OF ESCAPE. It's the same way each and every time. MORE OF HOLY SPIRIT.

And, what I've been finding out, is if I give my heart to Jesus CONSCIOUSLY, with real FAITH, something almost like a reflex happens... give Him my heart, He fills it with Holy Spirit. It's so much more simple than I could ever have imagined! All that extremely tiring and self-focused "trying to find the way of escape God was showing me" deal. Ugh! Me trying to drum up something GOOD (haha, yeah right, good luck) instead of just RECEIVING GOODNESS... Holy Spirit, who IS the goodness of God!

The ONLY thing I "have" to do is GIVE JESUS MY HEART. He will MAKE SURE I receive what I need. HOLY SPIRIT.

Holy Spirit is the ONLY one who can do ANYTHING for us. Not me trying to remember a scripture I had memorized once upon a time for such a "temptation occasion" as this. Yikes! I can't believe the stuff I believed. It's a wonder I'm still alive. DO DO DO. "You can do it. Actually, you HAVE to do it."

But, but... I CAN'T DO ANYTHING... I mean, isn't that what the WORD says?

Well, yes, of course... buuuuutttttt

NO MORE BUTS!!! Buts are just big butts! It's Jesus and only Jesus from now on. Yes, let it be, Lord, let it be!

The Passion of the Christ

I watched The Passion of the Christ again yesterday. Haha, for the fourth time. But this time was different. I watched it as if everything Jesus suffered was for me and me alone. It was quite the experience, as I'm sure you might imagine. Because I watched it on my laptop with my headphones on, it was very up close and personal. Extreme. As "Jesus" looked into the camera, He was looking at me, into my eyes. It was something. I had to pause the video several times because I had to take a little "have a good bawl" time out. And to reflect a little bit on what I had just seen and heard. And sometimes even to rewind so I could really absorb it.

This morning I've been thinking about Christ's temptation and what that was all about.

At the last supper, as the cup was passed from person to person and they entered into covenant with Him and what He was about to do, Christ Jesus began to take unto Himself the sin of the world. And with that came the temptation to not trust His Father, which leads to sin (being outside His will). We see it in glaring stark reality in the Garden... three times our Lord petitioned His Father to take the cup from Him. IF THERE BE ANY OTHER WAY! What agony. I can't even begin to have the slightest clue what that was like.

But what I want to talk about is how we can understand OUR temptation better by understanding Jesus'.

We know the scripture says that when we cry out to God in our temptation, He is faithful to provide a way of escape and deliver us from that temptation.

I used to think that if I would just have the presence of mind stop and strain myself to get beyond where I was right then and there, and connect with Him in some way so that He could give me a scripture to quote or something like that, that I'd escape my temptation. But I'm thinking that being delivered from temptation this has NOTHING to do with DOING. At least with ME doing. It's about BEING. There is a BEING problem... which is why I'm feeling tempted. And that's what needs to be addressed.

Something INSIDE OF ME is causing me to weaken, which is what being tempted is all about. And it seems that the reason we weaken is because we are NOT FILLED WITH HOLY SPIRIT. Isn't that what happened to Jesus in the Garden? As He began to take sin unto Himself, the Spirit HAD to begin to depart, right? Isn't that the way it works for us? I think it had to be the same for Him. Because it's the Holy Spirit that enables us to DO ANYTHING.

Well, seeing that not being filled with the Holy Spirit is the fundamental cause for the temptation to sin EFFECT, it seems the bottom line would simply be that we need more of Holy Spirit!

THAT is the WAY OF ESCAPE. It's the same way each and every time. MORE OF HOLY SPIRIT.

And, what I've been finding out, is if I give my heart to Jesus CONSCIOUSLY, with real FAITH, something almost like a reflex happens... give Him my heart, He fills it with Holy Spirit. It's so much more simple than I could ever have imagined! All that extremely tiring and self-focused "trying to find the way of escape God was showing me" deal. Ugh! Me trying to drum up something GOOD (haha, yeah right, good luck) instead of just RECEIVING GOODNESS... Holy Spirit, who IS the goodness of God!

The ONLY thing I "have" to do is GIVE JESUS MY HEART. He will MAKE SURE I receive what I need. HOLY SPIRIT.

Holy Spirit is the ONLY one who can do ANYTHING for us. Not me trying to remember a scripture I had memorized once upon a time for such a "temptation occasion" as this. Yikes! I can't believe the stuff I believed. It's a wonder I'm still alive. DO DO DO. "You can do it, Adoring. Actually, you HAVE to do it, Adoring."

But, but... I CAN'T DO ANYTHING... I mean, isn't that what the WORD says?

Well, yes, of course... buuuuutttttt

NO MORE BUTS!!! Buts are just big butts! It's Jesus and only Jesus from now on. Yes, let it be, Lord, let it be!

humility

The ultimate manifestation of humility isn't us being desperate for His love as much as it's us EXPERIENCING His love and knowing that not only did we do absolutely nothing to deserve it, but we had absolutely nothing even to do with it. He loves because He IS love.

Love HAS to have an object. And, therefore, it has to have an objective.

And my..... it is soooooo wonderful. :)))))))))

we all need love

Does God love all His children? Of course He does. God has no 'favorite' children. In His eyes we are all loved equally.

But that doesn't mean we're perfect. Oh no. I'm sorry to say. Not by a long shot.

Though He IS perfecting us. Each and every one. Though the pain that sometimes enters our lives might make it look like 'being perfected' is the last thing that's happening. But sometimes pain is exactly what He must use to soften our hearts to Him.

Our need for love is bottomless. Our need for love is fathomless. But only He is bottomless and fathomless. ALL other sources of love will 'dry up' sooner or later... usually closer to sooner than later. ;)

So tap in on the bottomless, fathomless One, beloved children of God. Tap in on the only Source of love that will never disappoint or 'betray'. The only source that never fails. That never gives up on us. That never turns its back on us. That never leaves us or forsakes us. The love of God through Jesus Christ the Lord.

my fantasy

My fantasy for my family is that we'd be in a 'family business' together. And each morning before we began our work we would ask God's blessing on our day and on the work of our hands. And we would do our work with cheerful hearts and peaceful minds. And at the end of the day we would share a simple meal together with love and gratitude. And then we'd get out our instruments and sing and dance before the Lord until it was time for bed.

And there would be certain times set aside during the week when we could share what was on our hearts and minds. And to pray.

And we would learn and live and grow together, and we'd be a blessing to each other and the world.

That's my fantasy for my family.

can you feel the draw

Can you feel it
Can you feel the draw

Can you feel his heart
drawing
drawing
drawing

Can you feel his heart
reaching out for you
on wings of an eagle
as a mother reaches out
for her beloved children

Can you feel his love
calling you
caressing you
washing over you
healing you

Can you

Can you see his eyes
blazing with fiery passion
for you

For your love
For your embrace
For your all

Can you see his lips
the lips whose only desire
is to kiss your heart
with his heart
to kiss your mind
with his mind

kiss YOU

Can you see his hands
the hands who long
to hold your tender
unprotected heart
in warm, safe
healing love

To restore you
strengthen you
make you whole

Can you see them

Can you see the Lord
the King of kings
bow himself down
and slip the fragile slipper over
your cinderella toes

Can you

Yes, you can

my guts

My guts aren't very pretty
are they
after all
they're guts

Guts of pain
guts of fear
guts of anger
revenge
confusion

hatred

Yes, hatred

Hating the pain
the fear
the anger
revenge
confusion

and the need
especially the need
always, the need

the need that
claws at me
at my guts
like a depraved
tormented
beast

Needing
Hating

Needing you
Hating you
Needing me
Hating me?

My guts
aren't very pretty
are they

No, they're not
they're not at all

Are yours

God doesn't think I'm great

God doesn't think I'm great.

Isn't that great?!

No? Yes... it is!!!! It really is! It's GREAT!

No expectations and demands from God to BE great. Me being great isn't even an issue to Him. Because He knows there's nothing in me that has even the slightest, most minutest ability to be great.

All I can be is His. That's it. And He loves me.

You see, it's not about me being great and deserving anyone's love. It's about Him loving me just because. Just because He does!

Wow, what a relief. Does that feel great or what?

knots and responsibility

Human beings are amazing.
living intelligence
flesh and blood thought.
Incredible

But they can really
drive me crazy
Well, almost

Their thoughts are like
big balls of knotted yarn
And somehow I'm responsible
to unknot them
Somehow I'm responsible to
sort things out
and makes things clear

I'm the Interpretor
And I don't want to do that anymore
I'm really tired of all that
the responsibility
It's not fun anymore
if it ever was

I just want to take my ball
and go home
and shut the door

For good

Untying endless knots for the knotters
Trying to fix all the boo-boos
Yeah, I'm gonna lay down that heavy load, Lord
I ain't gonna carry it anymore
I don't want the responsibility
I can't take the responsibility
it's crushing me

I just want to BE
I want to be a dreamer
I want to be an 'artist'
I want to be a 'dancer'
I don't want to be God anymore
I don't want to be The Keeper of the Knots

So here, God, here's the ball of yarn
with it's endless, endless, endless knots
Here, You take it, it's all Yours
I need a break
I need to breathe
because no one can buy
a stairway to heaven

I don't want to think anymore
I don't want to try and figure anything out
I don't want to ponder, question, wonder
I don't want to investigate, analyze, sort, categorize, file-ize
I'm so very very tired of all of that
Endless mazes filled with endless questions

I guess as long as I have THE question settled
all the rest really doesn't matter all that much
anyway

I just want to REST and RELAX and BE
for awhile
Rest and relax and be.... mmm, yes
I really like the sound of that
Yeah, I really like the way that makes me FEEL

Ha, maybe it's called death?
Yeah, maybe
Death to Adoring, life to God

It's clear I definitely need to learn
how to just SOAK and BE
and leave the rest to Him
all the endless questions
where they're safe and sound

No more thinking
more absorbing
more be-ing

Lay it down
lay it down
lay it all down

The Welcome

"Jesus came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to Him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what He said."

Mary, defined only by her relationships to Martha as "her sister", was placed under the eclipse of Martha's driving energy.
But Mary moved to sit in Another's shadow.
She took her place on the floor.

Mary received Him.

Martha only welcomed Him...
with loud applause and perhaps flamboyant pride.
He, the famous, came to her house.
It was spoken of as her house.

The proud deign to give by conspicuous generosity.
The humble -- aware only of gaunt poverty --
sit down to beg.

We have nothing to say to God but thank you.
No place to give Him but a home in our heart.
No gift to offer but unguarded receptivity.

Mary received Him... into life's only two treasures:
her heart and her time.
This was her house.

She gave Him the space to be Himself,
to define -- reveal -- His Own Splendid Being.

No others did that, not even the disciples who wanted
Him for the super hero of their imagination.

To Mary, He gave His secrets.
Busy little beavers building dams of safe protection,
have no time to woo His secrets from Him.

In the end, Martha found Him to be a
painful interruption of her contrivance --
an ungrateful intruder into her very soul.

She did not want to be perceived by God,
only by man.

It was really only Mary who gave Him the open invitation
to His own dominion.

It was after all... His house.

(from "Adoration" by Martha Kilpatrick)

not looking to things behind

Ever since I became born again, my life hasn't been my own. The Bible calls it "being hidden in God in Christ Jesus." Granted, that was more a potential reality than an actual reality (smile), but, regardless, it is the truth.

Leaving the security of state employment was the first step I took in living that truth out in my life in a major (crazy?) way. And then making a big move geographcially was the next major (crazy?) step. I can't really say the move was 'for the Lord'. At least not intentionally, like I felt my other steps were. All I knew was that I had to do it. Sure, I had my reasons... but seeing none of it panned out like I had planned, it's obvious God had HIS reasons. Reasons I was totally unaware of at the time. And if I had foreseen the 'perfect storm' I was heading into, I'm sure I might never have gone. It was one of the most painful periods of my life on many different levels. But, in hindsight, it was one of the best periods in many ways... or I probably should say, in one ultimate way.

So here I am now. I've been incredibly blessed over these past 5 years, and I've been strengthened. I know my God in a way I never knew Him before... as THE reality of my life. Yeah, when every other reality gets stripped away, it's kind of inevitable that all you're left with is God. ;) He IS my bread and butter, my LIFE. And it feels so good to be in that place.

But what next? Where is this all heading? Where am I going?

I DON'T HAVE A CLUE! All I know is that it's deeper into God. And, to be honest, I have no idea what that REALLY looks like. All I know is what Jesus said, "No man, having put his hand to the plow and then keeps looking back (to the things behind), is fit for the kingdom of God."

What are the "things behind?" Well, this is how Jesus describes that in the story leading up to what I just quoted...

And it came to pass as they went on their way, a certain man said to Jesus, "Lord, I will follow You wherever You go." And Jesus said, "Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head."

And He said to another, "Follow me." But he said, "Lord, allow me first to go and give the last honors (await the death of) my father." Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury the dead (let those without eternal life concern themselves with things like that), but you go far and wide and announce the kingdom of God."

And another also said, "Lord I will follow You, but let me first say good-bye to my family (let me entrust my household to someone)." And Jesus said, "No man, having put his hand to the plow and then keeps looking back (to the things behind), is fit for the kingdom of God."

Strong words, aren't they. Very strong words. Uncomfortable words. (Yeah, to put it 'mildly'.)

There are people who give their lives to defending our nation. They leave family, home and country to put their money where their mouths are. And people usually applaud that decision with hearty thumps on the back and hearts filled with pride... granted, with lots of tears mixed in, too... but most everyone understands that person is heeding the voice of a 'higher call', a GREATER GOOD. They understand there are those who are compelled to make great personal sacrifices in order to obey "the call.' In this case, putting country and all that means before self.

And when they get to where they're heading there's extreme mortal danger everywhere they go. Especially in Iraq. There is NO REST there. The enemy is everywhere because that's where his IEDs are. It's extreme in its brutal life and death reality. But still, they do it, because they know that for them there is no choice. This is where they BELONG. Their only 'choice' is to offer their lives, simply because they believe that much in 'the cause'. Their peace is in knowing they have no doubt, giving their lives is what they must do. No matter what.

No matter what might happen or, even, how 'imperfect' things might be. Because if anyone's read anything about what goes down in war, it always seems far from 'perfect.' But in the minds of these soldiers it's worth it, because they're focused on the goal... the greater good. And no matter what goes down, they're willing to risk their lives because they believe with all their hearts that at the end of the day the greater good WILL prevail.

Wow. How many people can REALLY understand how that feels... to believe in something so much that you're willing to risk your LIFE for it? I can't say I can.

And it gets me thinking. If these young men and women, who haven't even really LIVED yet, are willing to give ALL for something they consider 'greater' than themselves, how much more should I give ALL for THE greater good of God? How much more should I heed the 'higher call' of Jesus? How much more should 'a great personal sacrifice' be made for the one who took me out of darkness? How much more should I feel 'obligated to give something back' for the one who set me free? How much more should I desire to go anywhere and everywhere to share that message so that others can have the chance to be free, too? How much? If we had the slightest inkling of who Jesus is and what He did for us, we'd know it'd have to be MUCH.

Much, eh? Enough to not care if there were no applause and hearty back-thumping, but possibly misunderstandings and resentment instead? Even from those I love and trust the most? Enough to know I might not always see where all the 'IEDs' are hidden? Or my next meal? That much?

What is my reality? The reality of the twelve apostles? The reality of the soldiers defending freedom and justice in Iraq? Just what is MY reality? Get the best paying job with decent benefits that I like 'enough' so I can live 'peace, peace' (safety and security) here on this planet until the day I lift off? Just what is it?!

For many of the soldiers in Iraq, those are moot points. They're too young to realize that the most important things in life are the safety and security of a 'good paying job with great benefits'. They're too foolish to understand that. Yeah, heheh, good for us, eh? Actually, good for the WORLD, eh? Cause most of us sure ain't gonna put out necks on the line like they are.

For many of the soldiers in Iraq, reality is simply stepping up to the plate and saying, 'Here I am, send me.' As much as they might not have a clue what's ahead, that's their reality. As a believer who trusts in the Lordship of Jesus Christ, as a so-called 'soldier of the cross', what's mine?

Here's some food for thought... did you realize that if you have enough financial wealth, people will accept (and basically RESPECT) almost ANYTHING you feel like doing with your life? Just look at Paris Hilton.

dependence

We are born dependent. Dependence is our NATURE. We are born blind and helpless. We can't understand what people are saying or doing. All we know is instinctive. Our first exposure to the world is cold, bright, noisy, harsh. Full of drama, not peace. And we are completely at the mercy of our caregivers. Normally, our parents. Especially our mothers. Our vocabulary is, "I want, I need" or "I'm satisfied".

And it seems the whole issue with God is transferring that sense of dependence... our dependant natures... FROM MAN TO HIM.

IT'S TIME TO BECOME DEPENDENT ON GOD. ON JESUS. ON HOLY SPIRIT. ON THE FATHER. NOT ON MAN.

Start looking for help from angels more than humans, Adoring. (haha, that's great)

BURN ALL THE DEPENDENCE BRIDGES, ADORING!
You do not have to 'geisha' to be taken care of. I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU.

freedom from human do do

I'm realizing this morning how task-driven humans are. We go from task to task. From accomplishment to accomplishment. From do to do. Do this, do that. Now this, now that. Scurry, scurry, little busy bees are we. And it seems most of our enjoyment only comes in finishing the task. A sigh of relief. But only if done "well", of course. And even with that, only for a second. Next! And on and on we go. It never ends.

I'm realizing more than ever how I want my life to be so simple that I don't bring unnecessary tasks, unnecessary burdens, into my life. So that I can DO the stuff I truly WANT to do. Not that I want fun and games... that's not it at all. I just don't want my life filled with never-ending do this, do that do-do. I just want to concentrate on the things I WANT to do. Actually, the things I believe HE wants me to do.

If love is the most important thing in life, then what should my life look like? How is my life an expression of love? And what do I need to remove from my life in order to keep it in the love zone? And if love is the most important thing, than it follows that everything I DO should be done IN LOVE. In a spirit of love. In a flow of love. In the life of love.

Yeah, I like that. By your grace, Lord.

if I just dropped dead

If I just dropped dead and didn't 'linger for days' lamenting my past and the missed opportunities and the love that never was or almost was 'if only'... how would Iive my life?

I would live it totally different than if I were to 'linger' in a haze of Norman Rockwell melancholy. And that's the way I want to live my life, Lord. Full speed ahead. Not stopping for a second to look around to see who's with me or not. Because it's You we're 'with', not each other, anyway.

I can't live my life always yearning for the love and companionship of my family. I can't always be living in the "if only's". I'm tired of the 'if only's'. I need the now's. And I need to stay there and live there until the day I take my last breath.

No regrets. Not a single one. Just a life lived in the fullness of Your presence. That's all I really want. Yes, of course I want my family to live there with me, but I can't reduce that to just being with them in their unsaved state in order to feel like I'm not missing out on something. On them. I can't do that because that wouldn't be real, either. I have to believe that You are in control and, ultimately, we will all be together. Ultimately. But that isn't under my control so I have to let it go. I have to believe it's all in Your hands. Every last speck of it. Every single one. And You are working it allllll together for good. Amen. I have to know that.

This is scary. This is outside my boxes... really outside. But I know there's truth here. A truth that could see me through to the end of my days. No Norman's allowed. ;) Just the power and presence and purpose of God as I enter into the fullness of my identity in Him. And that's what it's all about. Being in Him. Because that's where I'll be for all eternity... so why not start now?

change

The changes feel like they're coming fast and furious.

For Christ sent me... to preach the gospel, to be telling the good news, the Glad-tidings... not with eloquent wisdom or an orator's cleverness or the Cross of Christ might seem an empty thing. The Message of the Cross is indeed folly to those who are in the path of Ruin, but to us who are in the path of Salvation it is the very power of God... to us who are being saved from that death it is nothing less than the power of God. As it says in the Holy Writings, I will destroy all human plans of salvation... render useless the philosophy of the philosophers and the wisdom of the learned no matter how wise they seem to be... I will ignore the best ideas of men, even the most brilliant of them, bringing to nothing the understanding of the prudent. For God in his wisdom saw to it that the world would never find God through human brilliance. It pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe. We preach CHRIST CRUCIFIED, Christ dying to save them... sheer nonsense to the heathen. But God has opened the eyes of those called to salvation... Christ, the Center of God's wise plan for salvation... Christ, the power of God and the wisdom of God. (From 1 Corinthians 1)

Yes, this isn't about me. It isn't about me by any stretch of the imagination. And don't we all have quite the imaginations. This is about the Father and His Son, Christ Jesus, come into this world to save us. To set us free from sin, sickness, disease, poverty, ignorance... death. From the death within OURSELVES.

That's all that this is about. And that's all I want to give my life for... the telling of the glad-tidings that Christ came and gave His life to save us... to set us free from death so that we can enter TRUE life. Abundant, real LIFE. Through Him. Holy Spirit life.

Please, Ab, make me an ABLE MESSENGER of the cross of Jesus Christ and Him crucified and raised. Amen. All I want is to be an AMBASSADOR of His good news. All I want is to be a MESSENGER OF THE CROSS AND RESURRECTION OF JESUS CHRIST. Make is so, Ab, in Your Son's Name I pray.
---------------------

I see where I've been missing it. It's so obvious, it's ridiculous. Love me, love me not... love me, love me not. That's how I've been living my life. If 'you' love me, I'm happy. If 'you' don't, I'm miserable. Especially if 'you' happen to be family or friends... but, really, ANYONE for that matter.

I've believed a lie that I have to be loved by 'you' in order to have value. And if 'you' don't love me... well, there goes my value.

It says in the Word that Jesus gave His heart to NO MAN. He did not trust His heart to ANYONE. And yet, He was PURE LOVE. He was able to love with complete, utter, total purity... and yet, give His heart to nobody. Wow, that's wild. And that's what I want. That's what I need. I'm seeing now that if I expect to live on this planet, let alone be His messenger, then I have to be like that... like Jesus was when He walked this earth. Beholden to no one. Beholden to no one's love. Needy for NOTHING except His Father and Holy Spirit.

Yes, Jesus, that's the kind of life I want to live, too. That's the WAY I want to live, too. TOTALLY, COMPLETELY, ABSOLUTELY UN-NEEDY FOR ANYTHING OR ANYONE... ESPECIALLY ANYONE'S 'SO CALLED' LOVE (after all, don't most people love us purely because they need our love in return?). Of course... incestuous humanity... that's all we're capable of without God... sucking the life out of each other because we don't have His life filling us.

I'M DONE WITH THE SUCKERS, LORD. I'm done with the sucking and I'm done with those who suck. I don't want to suck anymore, and I don't want anyone sucking on me. IT ALL SUCKS! ;) And I'm done with it. I've had it. It's not that man is 'bad' as much as he is UNABLE to be trustworthy because of his fallen-ness. And even those who have Your Spirit are 'in process' themselves, so they can't be trusted, either. Loved, of course. But trusted? Not. And it's a GOOD THING. Because they don't need the pressure! That kind of pressure forces them to PERFORM. And then we're back to square one... performing monkeys. And God doesn't want monkeys, He wants SONS... He NEEDS Sons!

YOU are the life-giver. You give me life, and in that I am able to give others life. But IT'S ALL THROUGH YOU! It's not about me or anyone else. 'Adoring' is INCAPABLE of giving life. All 'Adoring' can do is give death. It is only God in Adoring who can do ANYTHING. It's only God in ANYONE who can do anything.

Never forget that, Adoring.

Enable me to never forget, Lord!!!! :))))))))) XXXOOO
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I need a new 'start', Lord. A fresh start. I need to be away from relationships that have been in a 'sucking' pattern. I need new relationships that have a new pattern... YOU AND ONLY YOU.

I've turned a corner, Lord. A HUGE corner. And I can't go back. Heck, I don't WANT to go back. There's nothing 'back there'. Not really. Just my imaginations, actually. Nothing real. Ha. Funny. No, weird... strange. Unreal. But, regardless, forward is the only place I can go. Forward into You, JeFa. More of You. That's the only place there is to go.
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living a BS life

I feel like I'm living a BS life. I feel like so much of it doesn't really matter. And the other part is mostly lies.

Yeah, that's exactly how I'm feeling. And I really don't know why. Except to say it's all BS. Everything except Jesus.

Ha, maybe that's the point. Maybe that's what all this is about, this feeling. This empty, hollow, angry, frustrated pressure in my chest. Or, it's a demon. Ha. If you're a demon, you go right now, in Jesus' Name! After all, why would God want me to feel like this? Doesn't He want me to be HAPPY? I mean, happy happy, joy joy and all that.

But I don't feel happy at all. I feel angry and depressed and I feel like nothing is right. I feel like most of my relationships are hollow and unreal. Facades. Shows. Pretenses. Hiding my true thoughts and feelings because I care more about their feelings and peace than I care about truth.

What is love, Jesus? Just what is it?

I can not live on this planet without it. Enable me to love. Enable me to adore, if that's what you want me to do. But, either way, it's got to be real. I can't live unreal. Unreal is unreal. What's the point? If it isn't real, WHAT IS THE POINT?

How can one speak the truth in love if the truth might cause them to come out of peace? Or is it really peace? Maybe it's a false peace. An "I'm ok, you're ok" kind of peace. A peace of lies. Yeah, I think I'm starting to see something here. I've been believing all peace is of God. When probably most of it is from another source. The "peace is good no matter what it's based on" source. Hmmm.... this is interesting.

So, if our relationships that seem to be in peace are really in peace because of a false spirit, based on lies, then is that peace really good?

Please help me with this, Lord. Because I feel like I just want to turn the whole table over and walk away. From everything and everybody. Because of the lies. So either change me or change them... but change something because I can't keep going on like this.

I'm tired of 'being nice.' I'm tired of nice for nice's sake. Is God about nice? Was John the Baptist 'nice'? NICE?! I'm beginning to really hate nice! I mean... really.

HOW DO I DEAL WITH FALLEN HUMANITY, LORD? HOW DO I DEAL WITH THEM?????!!!!!!!

I'm really tired of the way I've been doing it up to now. Thinking... believing, that it's been in love and kindness and patience and all that. When, deep in my heart there was a whole different story going on. Judgment and condemnation and fear and loathing and anger. Sigh. Big sigh.

HOW DO YOU ACTUALLY HATE SIN AND NOT HATE THE PERSON???!!! How does one actually DO that?

Am I feeling the way I do because I haven't been able to 'hate the sin?' Because I've been ignoring that whole aspect of things like it doesn't really matter? Like SIN doesn't really matter?

But how would a person believe I loved them if I was constantly standing in judgment on sin? How do you do that trick, Jesus? How does one call a spade a spade and not harm the vessel?

Vessels of what, Susan?

Well, Lord, I guess they're vessels of sin. And I'd be judging what they're full of.

But isn't that what would bring them to Me?

Would it, Lord? All I know is I'm majorly sick and tired of dealing with the surface stuff. When all along underneath the 'pretty package' is a cesspool of lies and sin. Heck, that's how I feel about my own self, let alone others!

I just want to live real, Lord. That's really what I want. That's really all I want.
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People have a 'choice'. Not in an absolute way, but in a possibility way. God actually enables them to choose. But the bottom line is, A CHOICE MUST BE MADE. And part of the process of Holy Spirit working on anyone's heart is to reveal to them the NEED to make a choice. And He does that through fearless vessels of fiery love. Not limp-wristed milksop dandies.

Am I more afraid 'of the whites of their eyes' than I am of denying my Lord?

Sigh... yes, that seems to be what this is coming to. What this is all about, Jesus. Denying Jesus because of my fear of offending others. It always comes back to that. But I don't want it to 'go away' this time, Lord. Really. In my heart of hearts I don't want it to. I want You to PRESS ME AND PRESS ME until I GET IT. Until I get that YOU ARE LORD and YOU ARE GOD and nothing and no one 'ultimately' matters in light of that. You are the All in all. And our ONLY significance is IN YOU. Outside of You is NOTHING. NOT ONE THING. So, 'it's' either in You or it's not... and if 'it's not', actually, it doesn't even exist! Only that which is IN YOU truly exists.

So why do I fear that which isn't in You? Why do I treat the 'non-existents' like they're something special, when our ONLY specialness is being inside of You (and You inside of us)? I'm so very tired of playing to the 'outsiders,' Lord. They're outside, I know they're outside, You haven't moved on their hearts to come in yet, and still I play to them. Pleasing them, thinking about them, honoring them... their 'outsideness'. Oh my. I hate it. Patty cake, patty cake...

Please, Jesus, pull me out of this cesspool of lies. I HAVE TO GET OUT!!! I'll die if I don't get out!

I'm tired of honoring lies. And ANYONE who isn't IN YOU is living a LIE. And that's the bottom line truth of all truths. (And, this goes with that, even many who declare they're living in You and are Yours are living lies, too.)

So what's the answer to all of this, Jesus? Our job is to remove the lies. So how does one do that? How do I 'go around' removing lies when they're humanity's 'pets'? "Don't mess with the lies! Anything but the lies!"

But how can one 'mess with the lies' when they're living lies themselves? They can't. REMOVE ALL THE LIES FROM MY HEART AND LIFE, LORD! Every single one. No matter how painful it is for me. Just rip it out of my chest and set me free! ENABLE ME TO LOVE WITHOUT LOVING LIES! Enable me to love others without pretending the lies aren't there. Let me intercede over their lies, not judge them for them. BUT, PLEASE, KEEP ME FROM PETTING THEIR LIES! I think that's the bottom line. I'm tired of petting people's lies. That's not love. That's a lie, too... believing I have to pet people's lies.

FIX ALL OF THIS, PLEASE, JESUS. Give me a true heart that sees all of this like YOU see it. A pure heart. An "unmolested" heart. Free me from the INCESTUOUS spirit of the world! The spirit that goes about like a devouring lion, taking from brother and sister humanity what it thinks it needs. That which only GOD can truly give.

SO HOW DO I LIVE IN A WORLD OF LIE-PETTERS, LORD? How do I love lie-petters? Throw me a lifeline, please. Because I haven't a clue and I know that I know I can't do this without You.

I want to be Yours and totally Yours. ONLY Yours. I don't want to 'belong' to anyone else... anyTHING else. Just You. Only You. 'Picking up my cross and following You' is what this is all about. Dead to the world... and what is 'the world?' Lies. The world is lies. Because only YOU are Truth. Only You are LIFE. Resurrected life. A NEW life. An 'out of the world of lies and into the world of truth' life. Out of 'lies reality', into 'truth reality'. That's what this is all about.

Wow. Oh my. Yes, I feel it, Lord. That is what this is all about. Coming out of lies into truth. Less lies, more truth. Less lie-ing, more truth-ing. ;) Mmmmm... how nice that would be. No, how nice that is! That IS my reality. Truth. Truth is my reality. Not lies. NO MORE LIES! I am sick and tired of lies. Lies, lies, lies. I'm surrounding by them, overwhelmed by them, filled with them! And I'm SICK AND TIRED OF THEM!!!

Please remove every lie I believe from my heart, Jesus. EVERY SINGLE LIE. And leave only the truth. Only YOU. Because You are ULTIMATE TRUTH. You are THE truth. The Way, The Truth, The Life. And NO ONE comes to the Father but by You. No one. Not even nice, 'good' people.

you'll never walk alone

There's an assault on humanity waged by unseen forces. An assault I've been trying to believe didn't exist except in the imaginations of the superstitious. But the interesting thing is, if you believe it exists it makes things simpler. Not easier, maybe, but no more difficult... and much simpler. Knowing who the enemy is makes everything simpler. 'We fight not against flesh and blood'... why can't I get that through my thick skull (and heart) once and for all?

Unseen forces of hatred, envy, jealousy, pride, arrogance, lust, greed... all the myriad forms of corrupt and perverted human nature... are ever-waiting and ready to strike on a moment's notice. All they need is an opening. Now all I have to do is learn how they operate... what the openings are, how to see them, close them.

If we're not in love, we're open to anything. If we're not in Christ we're open to anything. I can't expect those who aren't in Christ to not be open. That's suicide... for me. ;P I need to be like a coalition soldier in Iraq. They can't trust anybody who looks like a possible terrorist or terrorist pawn... and that means everybody. Men, women and children. No one can be trusted.

So why do I trust? Why do I open my heart over and over and over again? Am I crazy or something? This has to stop. Not the love, but the trust. I can't trust you. I can only trust Jesus. Sigh. Yeah, that's true. Only Jesus.

What's real and what isn't? Patty cake, patty cake, baker's man. That's what I feel like I'm doing most of the time. Playing children's games. Now you see me, now you don't. Is my reality really real? If not, I don't want anything to do with it. I want the real, Lord. Only the real. Please remove... deliver me, from all the rest. The lies, the game-playing. The pretense. The show. And awaaaaay we go, folks. Not. Not any more. I can't do the show any more. I hate the show.

Don't walk alone, Adoring, don't walk alone. You've been walking alone too much of the time... in your own heart, your own understanding, your own reality. Unless you CROSS OVER into My Reality you'll always be alone. And when you're alone you're open to the enemy's attacks.