living a BS life

I feel like I'm living a BS life. I feel like so much of it doesn't really matter. And the other part is mostly lies.

Yeah, that's exactly how I'm feeling. And I really don't know why. Except to say it's all BS. Everything except Jesus.

Ha, maybe that's the point. Maybe that's what all this is about, this feeling. This empty, hollow, angry, frustrated pressure in my chest. Or, it's a demon. Ha. If you're a demon, you go right now, in Jesus' Name! After all, why would God want me to feel like this? Doesn't He want me to be HAPPY? I mean, happy happy, joy joy and all that.

But I don't feel happy at all. I feel angry and depressed and I feel like nothing is right. I feel like most of my relationships are hollow and unreal. Facades. Shows. Pretenses. Hiding my true thoughts and feelings because I care more about their feelings and peace than I care about truth.

What is love, Jesus? Just what is it?

I can not live on this planet without it. Enable me to love. Enable me to adore, if that's what you want me to do. But, either way, it's got to be real. I can't live unreal. Unreal is unreal. What's the point? If it isn't real, WHAT IS THE POINT?

How can one speak the truth in love if the truth might cause them to come out of peace? Or is it really peace? Maybe it's a false peace. An "I'm ok, you're ok" kind of peace. A peace of lies. Yeah, I think I'm starting to see something here. I've been believing all peace is of God. When probably most of it is from another source. The "peace is good no matter what it's based on" source. Hmmm.... this is interesting.

So, if our relationships that seem to be in peace are really in peace because of a false spirit, based on lies, then is that peace really good?

Please help me with this, Lord. Because I feel like I just want to turn the whole table over and walk away. From everything and everybody. Because of the lies. So either change me or change them... but change something because I can't keep going on like this.

I'm tired of 'being nice.' I'm tired of nice for nice's sake. Is God about nice? Was John the Baptist 'nice'? NICE?! I'm beginning to really hate nice! I mean... really.

HOW DO I DEAL WITH FALLEN HUMANITY, LORD? HOW DO I DEAL WITH THEM?????!!!!!!!

I'm really tired of the way I've been doing it up to now. Thinking... believing, that it's been in love and kindness and patience and all that. When, deep in my heart there was a whole different story going on. Judgment and condemnation and fear and loathing and anger. Sigh. Big sigh.

HOW DO YOU ACTUALLY HATE SIN AND NOT HATE THE PERSON???!!! How does one actually DO that?

Am I feeling the way I do because I haven't been able to 'hate the sin?' Because I've been ignoring that whole aspect of things like it doesn't really matter? Like SIN doesn't really matter?

But how would a person believe I loved them if I was constantly standing in judgment on sin? How do you do that trick, Jesus? How does one call a spade a spade and not harm the vessel?

Vessels of what, Susan?

Well, Lord, I guess they're vessels of sin. And I'd be judging what they're full of.

But isn't that what would bring them to Me?

Would it, Lord? All I know is I'm majorly sick and tired of dealing with the surface stuff. When all along underneath the 'pretty package' is a cesspool of lies and sin. Heck, that's how I feel about my own self, let alone others!

I just want to live real, Lord. That's really what I want. That's really all I want.
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People have a 'choice'. Not in an absolute way, but in a possibility way. God actually enables them to choose. But the bottom line is, A CHOICE MUST BE MADE. And part of the process of Holy Spirit working on anyone's heart is to reveal to them the NEED to make a choice. And He does that through fearless vessels of fiery love. Not limp-wristed milksop dandies.

Am I more afraid 'of the whites of their eyes' than I am of denying my Lord?

Sigh... yes, that seems to be what this is coming to. What this is all about, Jesus. Denying Jesus because of my fear of offending others. It always comes back to that. But I don't want it to 'go away' this time, Lord. Really. In my heart of hearts I don't want it to. I want You to PRESS ME AND PRESS ME until I GET IT. Until I get that YOU ARE LORD and YOU ARE GOD and nothing and no one 'ultimately' matters in light of that. You are the All in all. And our ONLY significance is IN YOU. Outside of You is NOTHING. NOT ONE THING. So, 'it's' either in You or it's not... and if 'it's not', actually, it doesn't even exist! Only that which is IN YOU truly exists.

So why do I fear that which isn't in You? Why do I treat the 'non-existents' like they're something special, when our ONLY specialness is being inside of You (and You inside of us)? I'm so very tired of playing to the 'outsiders,' Lord. They're outside, I know they're outside, You haven't moved on their hearts to come in yet, and still I play to them. Pleasing them, thinking about them, honoring them... their 'outsideness'. Oh my. I hate it. Patty cake, patty cake...

Please, Jesus, pull me out of this cesspool of lies. I HAVE TO GET OUT!!! I'll die if I don't get out!

I'm tired of honoring lies. And ANYONE who isn't IN YOU is living a LIE. And that's the bottom line truth of all truths. (And, this goes with that, even many who declare they're living in You and are Yours are living lies, too.)

So what's the answer to all of this, Jesus? Our job is to remove the lies. So how does one do that? How do I 'go around' removing lies when they're humanity's 'pets'? "Don't mess with the lies! Anything but the lies!"

But how can one 'mess with the lies' when they're living lies themselves? They can't. REMOVE ALL THE LIES FROM MY HEART AND LIFE, LORD! Every single one. No matter how painful it is for me. Just rip it out of my chest and set me free! ENABLE ME TO LOVE WITHOUT LOVING LIES! Enable me to love others without pretending the lies aren't there. Let me intercede over their lies, not judge them for them. BUT, PLEASE, KEEP ME FROM PETTING THEIR LIES! I think that's the bottom line. I'm tired of petting people's lies. That's not love. That's a lie, too... believing I have to pet people's lies.

FIX ALL OF THIS, PLEASE, JESUS. Give me a true heart that sees all of this like YOU see it. A pure heart. An "unmolested" heart. Free me from the INCESTUOUS spirit of the world! The spirit that goes about like a devouring lion, taking from brother and sister humanity what it thinks it needs. That which only GOD can truly give.

SO HOW DO I LIVE IN A WORLD OF LIE-PETTERS, LORD? How do I love lie-petters? Throw me a lifeline, please. Because I haven't a clue and I know that I know I can't do this without You.

I want to be Yours and totally Yours. ONLY Yours. I don't want to 'belong' to anyone else... anyTHING else. Just You. Only You. 'Picking up my cross and following You' is what this is all about. Dead to the world... and what is 'the world?' Lies. The world is lies. Because only YOU are Truth. Only You are LIFE. Resurrected life. A NEW life. An 'out of the world of lies and into the world of truth' life. Out of 'lies reality', into 'truth reality'. That's what this is all about.

Wow. Oh my. Yes, I feel it, Lord. That is what this is all about. Coming out of lies into truth. Less lies, more truth. Less lie-ing, more truth-ing. ;) Mmmmm... how nice that would be. No, how nice that is! That IS my reality. Truth. Truth is my reality. Not lies. NO MORE LIES! I am sick and tired of lies. Lies, lies, lies. I'm surrounding by them, overwhelmed by them, filled with them! And I'm SICK AND TIRED OF THEM!!!

Please remove every lie I believe from my heart, Jesus. EVERY SINGLE LIE. And leave only the truth. Only YOU. Because You are ULTIMATE TRUTH. You are THE truth. The Way, The Truth, The Life. And NO ONE comes to the Father but by You. No one. Not even nice, 'good' people.

you'll never walk alone

There's an assault on humanity waged by unseen forces. An assault I've been trying to believe didn't exist except in the imaginations of the superstitious. But the interesting thing is, if you believe it exists it makes things simpler. Not easier, maybe, but no more difficult... and much simpler. Knowing who the enemy is makes everything simpler. 'We fight not against flesh and blood'... why can't I get that through my thick skull (and heart) once and for all?

Unseen forces of hatred, envy, jealousy, pride, arrogance, lust, greed... all the myriad forms of corrupt and perverted human nature... are ever-waiting and ready to strike on a moment's notice. All they need is an opening. Now all I have to do is learn how they operate... what the openings are, how to see them, close them.

If we're not in love, we're open to anything. If we're not in Christ we're open to anything. I can't expect those who aren't in Christ to not be open. That's suicide... for me. ;P I need to be like a coalition soldier in Iraq. They can't trust anybody who looks like a possible terrorist or terrorist pawn... and that means everybody. Men, women and children. No one can be trusted.

So why do I trust? Why do I open my heart over and over and over again? Am I crazy or something? This has to stop. Not the love, but the trust. I can't trust you. I can only trust Jesus. Sigh. Yeah, that's true. Only Jesus.

What's real and what isn't? Patty cake, patty cake, baker's man. That's what I feel like I'm doing most of the time. Playing children's games. Now you see me, now you don't. Is my reality really real? If not, I don't want anything to do with it. I want the real, Lord. Only the real. Please remove... deliver me, from all the rest. The lies, the game-playing. The pretense. The show. And awaaaaay we go, folks. Not. Not any more. I can't do the show any more. I hate the show.

Don't walk alone, Adoring, don't walk alone. You've been walking alone too much of the time... in your own heart, your own understanding, your own reality. Unless you CROSS OVER into My Reality you'll always be alone. And when you're alone you're open to the enemy's attacks.